I feel like the fattest shit ever right nowwww. UGH.
I'm the only one that can do something about it though and I really really want to be able to be at a better place this time next year.
I can't believe I am 20 next week. 20 years old. 20 years of what though? I feel like I should have something to show for it but to be honest I really don't think that I do.
My depression is getting me down at the moment. It's not as bad as it has been in the past but its not great either. I feel like all the days are merging together, because its practically the same routine everyday. Basically doing NOTHING. I literally have no energy to do much even if I wanted to. Like once I'm out of the house and stuff I'm fine but getting to that point is the real struggle.
If I could I literally would just do nothing or kill myself even but I know deep down that I must muddle through the bad and eventually things will come good.
Although on a good note I got a new job :D at miss selfridge this clothes shop. A new store is opening in my town in likeee 2 weeks? so yeah the interview was like 2 days ago and I nearly didnt even go to that as I just felt like utter shit (I have like zero self confidence right now)considering ive put on like 10 pounds since christmas :( sobs.
God knows what I'l do when I start working there though like all thte clothes will look shit on me I know that already and all the customers will be skinny and uber pretty and just everythig i'm not.
But yeah for now I'm going to have about 600 cals max a day until march 5th then see how it goes from there. All healthy stuff obviously. :D and try and get out of the house every day apart from sundaaays as I need at leat one lazy day a week aha.

I feel like shit. I'm pretty fed up of feeling like shit. Mmmph.
Had a nice phone chat with mathew tonight. Dunno if I can let myself trust him though. To be honest I quite really be arsed. Like flirting is one thing but meeting up with him (again) is another. He's blatantly only after one thing anyway. I can see it now as soon as he gets me through his bedrooom door he'l be pouncing on me before I can say "let's watch a dvd?".
So yeees I also am completely fed up of trying this whole trying to eat like a normal person because I just can't do it without eating like a complete pig so I might aswell just go back to eating next to nothing because at least it doesnt make me feel like shit and also look equally if not more shittier. Apples make me hungrier like not if im not that hungry to begin with but say I'm absolutely starving and eat one apple it just makes me even hungrier like insane hunger.
So was thinking of sticking to just a yoghurt in the day if I need it and soup at night because its relatively light but filling because its hot. Ohh and coffee obviouslyyyy.
I have a job interview on monday and I'm sure I wont get it because they'l take one look at me and think why the hell would we want someone as ugly as you trying to sell nice clothes to girls who are obviously going to be alot thinner and prettier than I am.

Optimistic?

I'm so scared of overeating right now. I have a few months of starving and then a few weeks of binging and overeating on absolutely everything- cereal, BISCUITS, chocolate, fruit.etccc
Ugh so yeah I think thats my main aim for the whole year. To not binge.
Today so far for lunch I've had white fish and brocoli and onion and a fat free yoghurt just now.
Although at like 1am in the morning I had a small bowl of instant oatmeal with almonds and raisons. Probably 200max.
Tea will probably be miso soup, 2 quorn fillets and heaps of spinach.
I'm going food shopping with daddy tommorra so I can stock up on safe foods.
Soya yoghurt, light soya milk, miso soup, popcorn, veggies, berries, salad, balsamic vinegar, quorn fillets, fish.

Old pics mostly at my lowest weight (95)

Well I haven't posted for well over a month. Truth be known I forgot my password/blog address :). haha not surprised by that AT ALL. But yeah.
Geez Looking at the last posts I really do need to get a grip of myself though. Over Christmas I binged/overate on carap ALOT. Not suprisingly, considering I'd been only eating under 300 cals for well over a month. Give or take a few mybads. So what happened. I gain at least half a stone back. Actually maybe a little over that.
So not only am i fatter AGAIN, myself self esteem is on the floor yet again and my depression is taking over my life yet again.
Today has been OK though. Breakfast was a small bowl of oatmeal with light soya milk and lunch was a sandwich with ham and light butter. Ohh and a coffee with one teasppoon of brown sugar :) mmm. And I felt so much better for it aswell.
I guess I just need to get the blance right. Once I'm more active again ten I'l be burning off loads more calories anyway. Which is what I need to keep telling myself so I'm not constantly feeling guilty for just eating one little thing that maybe I shouldn't of and then just giving in and next thing I know I've eaten the entire house. Its like I deprive myself and then something snaps and its like ive given myself permission to just gorge on a load of shit.
I really just want myself control back. Like to be able to eat a chocolate bar and not have to have another 2 more after that. If that makes any sense at all?
Tea will be something lighter tonight. Like Quorn fillets and some edamame. maybe a fat free yoghurt for desert.
Idk.
Dad is going into town tommorrow after llunch so I might go with him. Get a bit of fresh air even though I'd rather hide until I'm less puffy looking : sob. hah I really need to get over myself and stop all this self pitying. it's getting a little bit ridiculous to say the least.
eep I am nearly 20 years old in like 3 weeks for christ sake.

FAT FAT FAT

Ugh. I cant stand this anymore. I've binged 3 days in a row now :
Ok only eating 150 cals until feb at least to get rid of all this disguting FAT :(
I hate this so much but i hate myself even more.
b- black coffee
12pm- toast and black coffee
3pm- babybel and ribenaa light
6pm-babybel and water or green tea

i feel like hell you feel like dancing

I shouldn't be here. I am here though so theres nothing I can do about that, but I guess I wish I wasnt here at the same time. I'm not even sure I know what I mean by "here".
I should be in town with my friends, instead I'm sitting in semi pitch blackness in my lounge at 1am with shaun of the dead in the background. Not by choice. Stupid brother is vegged out on the sofa with noodles. He should be in bed, then again I guess I should be too but I dont exactly have anywhere to be tommorrow anyway.
I feel really disgusting at the moment. Only Claire and Beef know why. My own parents dont even know why :\It's like I try and explain to them how I'm feeling and how theyre making me feel and I might aswell be talking to a brick wall because nothing ever seems to get resolved.
Tommorrow is a new day and all like everone on pa says. Whenever anyone has had a bad day we just look to the next one or at least try to because if we cant hold onto the fact that maybe the next day or the one after that will be just a little bit better than the shit one we're already having, then whats the point in even going on?
Gah two weeks exactly til Newyear. Under 2 months till my birthday. I don't want to be 20.
It just reminds me of the fact that I've wasted nearly 2 years of my life so far, so technically I should still be 18 because I dont feel like I've lived, being 19. Not one bit.
Yawwwn. I'm so tired, might go to bed in a minute after one more paragraph.
I've started one of these before, got into it for like 3 days and then forgotten my login details and cant be bothered anymore, so this will probably end up the same way, but for now its managed to help me let go of things(like my brother being a bit of a prick earlier on) for like the past half an hour and considering i never have enough room in my actual diary(i guess i can go on a bit!) this is the next best thing....