Friday, 30 January 2009

I feel like shit. I'm pretty fed up of feeling like shit. Mmmph.
Had a nice phone chat with mathew tonight. Dunno if I can let myself trust him though. To be honest I quite really be arsed. Like flirting is one thing but meeting up with him (again) is another. He's blatantly only after one thing anyway. I can see it now as soon as he gets me through his bedrooom door he'l be pouncing on me before I can say "let's watch a dvd?".
So yeees I also am completely fed up of trying this whole trying to eat like a normal person because I just can't do it without eating like a complete pig so I might aswell just go back to eating next to nothing because at least it doesnt make me feel like shit and also look equally if not more shittier. Apples make me hungrier like not if im not that hungry to begin with but say I'm absolutely starving and eat one apple it just makes me even hungrier like insane hunger.
So was thinking of sticking to just a yoghurt in the day if I need it and soup at night because its relatively light but filling because its hot. Ohh and coffee obviouslyyyy.
I have a job interview on monday and I'm sure I wont get it because they'l take one look at me and think why the hell would we want someone as ugly as you trying to sell nice clothes to girls who are obviously going to be alot thinner and prettier than I am.

Tuesday, 27 January 2009


I'm so scared of overeating right now. I have a few months of starving and then a few weeks of binging and overeating on absolutely everything- cereal, BISCUITS, chocolate, fruit.etccc
Ugh so yeah I think thats my main aim for the whole year. To not binge.
Today so far for lunch I've had white fish and brocoli and onion and a fat free yoghurt just now.
Although at like 1am in the morning I had a small bowl of instant oatmeal with almonds and raisons. Probably 200max.
Tea will probably be miso soup, 2 quorn fillets and heaps of spinach.
I'm going food shopping with daddy tommorra so I can stock up on safe foods.
Soya yoghurt, light soya milk, miso soup, popcorn, veggies, berries, salad, balsamic vinegar, quorn fillets, fish.

Monday, 26 January 2009

Old pics mostly at my lowest weight (95)

Well I haven't posted for well over a month. Truth be known I forgot my password/blog address :). haha not surprised by that AT ALL. But yeah.
Geez Looking at the last posts I really do need to get a grip of myself though. Over Christmas I binged/overate on carap ALOT. Not suprisingly, considering I'd been only eating under 300 cals for well over a month. Give or take a few mybads. So what happened. I gain at least half a stone back. Actually maybe a little over that.
So not only am i fatter AGAIN, myself self esteem is on the floor yet again and my depression is taking over my life yet again.
Today has been OK though. Breakfast was a small bowl of oatmeal with light soya milk and lunch was a sandwich with ham and light butter. Ohh and a coffee with one teasppoon of brown sugar :) mmm. And I felt so much better for it aswell.
I guess I just need to get the blance right. Once I'm more active again ten I'l be burning off loads more calories anyway. Which is what I need to keep telling myself so I'm not constantly feeling guilty for just eating one little thing that maybe I shouldn't of and then just giving in and next thing I know I've eaten the entire house. Its like I deprive myself and then something snaps and its like ive given myself permission to just gorge on a load of shit.
I really just want myself control back. Like to be able to eat a chocolate bar and not have to have another 2 more after that. If that makes any sense at all?
Tea will be something lighter tonight. Like Quorn fillets and some edamame. maybe a fat free yoghurt for desert.
Dad is going into town tommorrow after llunch so I might go with him. Get a bit of fresh air even though I'd rather hide until I'm less puffy looking : sob. hah I really need to get over myself and stop all this self pitying. it's getting a little bit ridiculous to say the least.
eep I am nearly 20 years old in like 3 weeks for christ sake.